*THE
WORKER*
Brisbane,
March 2, 1895.
Interview
with John Thomas Annear.
Having
obtained from a pawnshop the loan of a black suit and white choker,
together with an orthodox black hat belonging to one of Bishop
Webber's impecunious parsons, the WORKER man arrayed himself in the
garb of a reporter of the Evangelical Standard and
waited upon Mr. Annear at Parliament House.
After some delay our representative was ushered in along
innumerable passages and through many doors guarded by many
policemen, each of whom demanded the countersign. Finally the
parliamentary library was reached, and the attendant whispered in an
awe-struck voice, “Whisht! it's beyant the great man himself is.”
At the further end of the library, seated before an
immense tome whose pages enclosed the net results of the greatest
thoughts of the world's great minds on the grand old subject of
constitutional law, sat Mr. Annear. His brows were drawn together in
deep pensive thought, the index finger of his right hand lightly
touched the centre of his forehand after the studious manner of the
philosophers of ancient Greece, and he mumbled to himself as he read.
The WORKER man and the flunkey stood afar off in amaze.
After
awhile the senior member for Maryborough arose, still deeply immersed
in thought, and no doubt altogether unaware of the presence of an
eager minion of the press, and began to strike attitudes. Having
obtained a wet towel he tied it round his head to calm the fierce
pulsations of his over-heated brain, and then with a sign began to
pace backwards and forwards after the fashion of Hamlet in his
celebrated soliloquy. The WORKER man, nauseated with this artificial
rot, and knowing well that Mr. Annear's capacity for thought scarcely
equals that of the genus frillo lizardi (see
Meston's geography) hereupon made his entrance and announced himself.
Mr.
Annear straightened himself up as if taken by surprise. The quick eye
of the WORKER man glanced towards the subject of Mr. Annear's study
and detected a copy of the 'awk concealed
in the volume on constitutional law.
After muttering a short prayer in the responses of which
Mr. Annear joined, we rose from our knees, and calling for two
brandies and sodas proceeded to business.
* * *
“You
see,” said Mr. Annear, “'ow the
hexigencies of my sittenwation has Chairming of Kommittees hinclines
my hintellect towards the hinteresting and harduous study of
constitootional lor. Look bat me!” he said, striking an attitude,
“'ow hi 'ave harisen from the humble sphere of a hunknown
bricklayer. The hadvantages of hintellect are 'ere happarent has also
halso the guigin' 'and of a homnipotent Hallmighty. Hi come of a
hancient Hirish family,” said Mr. annear in the same breath. “
Properly speaking, has I told them hup at Maryborough hat my first
helection, the name Hannear is honly hat corruption of the hold
Hirish title O'Near, oose hestates were half as large as the ole of
Queensland. Hi despised the hassistance of hanestors and hemigrated
'ere.”
“I presume you have often followed the hounds in the
old country,” said the reporter. “Ha! Don't mention it,” said
Mr. Annear.” “Kangaroo 'untin'. Cockfitin', rattin' and Breakfast
Creek races is nothin' compared with the grand hold Hirish sort of
'untin' the fox.”
“What is your opinion on the heiroglyphic
verisimilitude or the autobiographical autopay of constitutional law,
Mr. Annear!”
Mr. Annear paused before replying to this profound
observation.
“Hi
belong,” he said, “to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Hanimals, and hin the hevercise of my duty as chairming of that
society I find constitutional law come in 'handy. Hit is halso of
great use to me hin my private capacity has a cement merchant.”
“The
Evangelical Standard has
heard it remarked that your firm are large supplies of cement to the
Government,” said the reporter.
Mr.
Annear's indignation was intense. He struck the table twice with
sledge-hammer blows. Then thrusting his clenched fist in the face of
the pseudo Evangelical Standard reporter,
he exclaimed, with the roar of a wounded lion, “It's a
d-----d lie! Hi ham too well hup
in constitootional lor to hallow hany such hillegal haction hin my
name!”
“Or in the name of your partner or clerk, I presume,”
added the reporter.
Mr. Annear's indignation at these awful calumnies so
overcame him that he scorned to reply.
* * *
In order to divert the conversation from so painful a
subject the WORKER man made a casual reference to Sir Henry Parkes,
Mr. Annear became himself again.
“Hi av that honour,” said John T. “Hon one
hoccasion hi ad the hexquisite henjoyment hof spendin arf ha day hat
his henjoyable hand hinterestin 'ouse. We talked of poitry. Talk
about quotin. He gave me is hown, and hi gave him some of the
Maryborough lorry hate, William Crompton. 'Ave ye erd hof 'im? Ha
well, yes orter read it. Parkes as hall the wisdom hof the hancients,
and halso riz from a humble sphere like hi ave. Hin fact there are
many points of resemblance between hus. 'E told me 'ow great hi was
and hi told 'im. 'E 'as a horful command hof language, for
eggsample, bi picked hup a toy windmill from the table, and remarked
'ow hinterestin' happened to be.”
“' Hobserve the haction of hits harms,' said Parkes
'The slightest hagitation of the hair or
hatmosphere sets the hole hinstitution in hextreme
hagitation without the haid or assistance hof hany hexternal hagency
whatsohever!'”
* * *
“What is your opinion of the binomial theorem or the
theosophical theodolite of federation?” asked the WORKER.
“'Igh,” said Mr. Annear with profound sagacity, but
ventured no further.
“Do you believe that the Great Barrier Reef, should be
included in the Federal scheme: likewise Mud Island, New Guinea and
the pile lighthouse?” asked the reporter.
“Hif helected has a member of the Federal Parliament
hi shall use hall my horatorical hability to hadvocate the hinclusion
hof hall hof hall hof huntried henergy. Hi should 'av hin Minister
for Works long hago, 'ad hit not been for my hextreme hamiability. Hi
will yet hattain that proud heminence. Hi ham halready the Standin'
Horders, has hi 'av told them before. Yes,” he said, in reply to an
interjection from the reporter, “hi ham hopposed to payment hof
members halthough hi draw £500
a year has Chairman hof Committees with haudacious regularity. Hi
halso'av hopposed a factory hact for the prevention hof cruelty to
children, but hi ham hin favour hof a more stringent hact for the
prevention hof cruelty to pore 'orses hand huther hanimals.” “What
is your opinion of the lower orders, Mr. Annear?”
“Between you hand
hi, hi believe they should be kept hin their place. Their highorance
his hastonishin'. Why wen hi was haddressin' the helectors hat
Petrie's Bight they hactually removed the chocks from the wheels of
the trolly from which hi was speakin', and the 'ole haffair started
to run down Queens street. The cowards! But hi fought 500 of 'em once
during the maritime strike. Hand look hat the Maryborough helectors,
they 'owl me down when hi ham away, but when hi goes hamong them hand
pats their dirty kids on the 'ed, hand says; 'This young man bought
to be hin the police force. Hi will see that 'e gets a billet,' why,
they simply 'owls themselves 'oarse for Jack hannear. Three cheers
for jack hannear. 'Ip,'Ip, 'ooray! Hi kan'ardly 'elp larfin'
housright hat their hignorance horften.”
“Is it a fact that
your seat is a dead certainty for Mr. M'Ghio, the man whom you are
accused of having had dismissed on account of his political opinions,
Mr. Annear?”
'Hi ham a bit shaky
habout hit, Hi must say, honly Hi won't hadmit hit. But Hi'av had'ent
faith hin the ed-pattin business and the judicious hexpenditure of a
little coin hin grog. Beer,” said mr. Annear, is the best support
hour party 'as.”
“No! Hit is not a
fact that wen Hi and my partner built a chimley my partner 'eld up
the chimley while Hi went for the money, and that wen Hi received the
coin my mate let go and the chimley fell. This his certainly not hay
fact.”
* * *
“Excuse me, Mr.
Annear,” said the reporter. “It is said you are illiterate. The
Evangelical Standard
would like to give the
lie to all such calumnies. Now I am instructed to submit you to a
test which shall put to shame your traducers in this respect.”
Mr. Annear here
began to fidget.
The reporter
continued: “Will you, Mr. Annear, kindly say the alphabet
backwards!”
The would-be
Minister for Works was nonplussed for a moment, but suddenly an
inspiration seized him. “'Av a drink hold man.”
fairly cornered the
great man blurted out, “D-E-C-E-V.”
The interviewer gave
him another chance and said “No, have another try.”
With visions of the
future historian dancing before his eyes Mr. Annear, perspiring at
every pore, hazarded another venture.
“D-E-E-C-E-A-V.”
“Correct,” said
the WORKER man, “Consider your chatacter as a literary man
henceforth established.”
“Hi was hallways
an hadmirer of Disraeli,” said Mr. Annear in frantic jubilation.
“Hi ham hinterested hin hall the 'igher harts hand hattainments hof
hancient 'istory. Hi tell you hi ham hambitious. Hi 'av a heye hon
the Professor of Belly
letters hat the
hintended huniversity hot Queensland hif hi fail to hobtain the
Portmantear hole Bob Philp 'angs hon to so tight. Hi ham -
[The WORKER regrets
to state tHat its supply of small H's Has become exHausted, and tHat
it is Here reluctantly compelled to abandon Mr. Annear to tHe
Historian of tHe future. THe remainder of tHe manuscript Has been
Handed to Mr. AreHibald Meston and will no doudt one day, wHen
Queensland Has become a Socialist State, be Held up to tHe cHildren
of tHat time as an object lesson in tHe kind of man to wHom a
reasonable and intelligent portion of a presumably civilised and sane
community entrusts its rigHt to a voice in tHe disposal of its
Health, Happiness and freedom, in otHer words, to tHe making of its
laws.]
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